posted August 10, 1999 09:38 PM               

ACT I

"Did I ever tell you, Smee..." Majere voiced, sliding his arm around Harrison in a grandfatherly fashion.
"It's Harrison, sir." Harrison corrected.
"Yes, yes, of course," acknowledged Majere, "Whatever. Did I ever tell you, Smee, about the time I fought off a herd of Wampas with one hand tied behind mee back...?"
"How did you get one hand tied behind your back?" inquired Harrison.
Majere continued, "Alright, Smee! You dragged it out of mee!" He pulled Harry closer, "It was a dark and stormy night..."

There was a loud slam behind them. BlackHawk shook the rain off as he entered the room. With one wing he bumped Harry aside and shimmied room for himself between little Harrison and Majere.
"What's happenin' brothers?" asked BlackHawk, puffing on a big black cigar, "What's all da rookus? What's up folks?"
"I was just recanting the time when I fought off pigmy cannibals to Smee here..." Majere stated.
"You were, sir?" queried Harrison.
"They had me cornered. I'd lost my gun. They'd dropped a net over me from outta a tree. There I was fighting, struggling, but there were too many of them! They were all over me like ants!" Majere paused for breath and asked expectantly, "How do you think I escaped???"
"I have no idea, sir..." Harrison said, his face contorted with wonder and awe.
"Did I ever tell you," BlackHawk scoffed, "About the mad Gnukutalephant that seized me in its trunk and flung me one half mile? I went back afterwards and measured it..."
"I once fought off a giant Dragonfly! It was in the vast jungles of Endor..." said Majere, cocking one bushy eyebrow with a determined look.
"I seen a giant horsefly," bragged BlackHawk, preening his shiny black chest feathers.
"I've seen a House fly!" Majere boasted, poking a hole in the air with his finger.
"In Kansas, sir?" questioned Harrison, his eyes large.
"I seen a needle wink its eye," snapped BlackHawk.
"I have heard a diamond... ring!" Majere flung back.
"Well," BlackHawk retorted, letting several round circles of cigar smoke egress from his yellow beak before continuing, "I be done seen about everything..."

Raptor entered with a natty cap perched on his head. His lower half, covered in brightly colored plaid knickers, was framed by the dark doorway.
"Has anyone seen my golf clubs?" muttered Raptor, deep in thought, "Oh... there they are in the corner. I have a golf game with... er ... that female officer... what's her name? Oh, yes, ...Schnapps."
Three heads turned.
"Schnapps?" repeated Harrison.
"Schnapps?" repeated Majere.
"Schnapps?" repeated BlackHawk.
"I will carry your golf clubs, Raptor, sir..." Harry politely offered.
BlackHawk winged Harrison in the stomach knocking him aside, "No brother! I be da one to carry dem golf clubs!"
"Nay!" cried Majere, stepping in front of both BlackHawk and Harrison, "I am the head of the Vast Empire! I shall carry the golf clubs!"
"Hmm, I did not know you fellows were interested in golf," Raptor mumbled to himself, more interested in the condition of his favorite club than to the conversation.
"Oh, I am verrrrrry interested in Schna ...er...golf," BlackHawk said.
"I have always been interested in... S... ah ...golf," Majere exclaimed, patting his chest with a firm hand.

After the golf game, the majority of the Vast Empire officers gathered at the posh Fritz Club on Lorn 4 which was hosting its famous Friday night feature: Exotic Twi'leki Dancers.

The three tiered grand hall was sumptuous. A massive chandelier glittered overhead with a thousand sparkles. Tucked in an alcove which afforded a view of the entertainment a few feet before them, the exhausted members of the Vast Empire relaxed about a low long glassy table in various postures upon the mamaluk silk covered cushions which were arranged on the imported marble floor.
Harrison, his back still aching from hauling Raptor's golf clubs all day by himself while Majere and BlackHawk had conversed with Schnapps, repositioned himself on the pile of pillows he had amassed for himself. BlackHawk, lounging next to Harrison, gazed at the voluptuous Twi'leki bellydancers and exuded a deep audible sigh.
"That is a very vulgar sound coming from an officer of the Vast Empire! I run a very strict organization!" Majere said sternly, then softened, "but... I whole heartedly agree!" =P

Meanwhile, Viper and Threeof4 could be seen across the expanse of the dance floor leaning against the intricately carved Ithorian wood bar.
"Why have you not ordered a drink, Threeof4?" Viper questioned, his eyes vainly trying to elude the ever swaying bellies of the numerous dancers. "It is Friday night, and drinks are 49% off."
"No," replied Threeof4, his arms folded resolutely across his chest. "I intend to wait for happy hour."
"Stingy," Viper responded, his eyes now crossed from the moving bellies of the weaving dancers.
"A fool and his money are soon parted," recited Threeof4.
Viper, his complexion turning a pale green, "I think I am... dizzy..."

Back on the luxurious silk pillows, Schnapps was surrounded. Majere, unobstrusively drawing in his breath to expand his chest, leaned even closer to Schnapps.
"Did I ever tell you the time I single-handedly pulled the ears off a Gundark?"
Before Schnapps had time to respond, Majere continued in an overly dramatic tone; "It was a dark and stormy night..."
"Why are your nights always dark and stormy =�?" BlackHawk put in, his overstuffed beak leaking peanuts.
"Do not speak with your... er ... beak full!" reprimanded Majere, spewing crumbs as he corrected the junior officer with great authority.
Sesswanna, licking his thumbs to savor the last morsel of Wampa fat, piped up, "If I had as many dark and stormy nights as you have had, Field Marshall, I could not sleep nights..."
"Nonsense!" Majere replied, rubbing his haggard eyes.
A three-legged scarlet robed waiter appeared out of the swirling mass of bellydancers before the Imperial officers, his three claws tapping across the translucent marble. In hushed tones he addressed Schnapps, "A message from the mountains, madam."
"The mountains?" Schnapps asked, but the waiter had already vanished into the sea of dancers. Schnapps carefully unfolded the papaerus. Without a word of explanation, she suddenly stood and disappeared into the same sea. A few uneventful minutes passed with the sounds of grunts and smacks rising into the air where it mingled with the strains of music.
"How long will Schnapps be gone?" inquired Majere, muffling a burp.
"I don't know, sir." Harrison replied, gnawing a succulent tenacle of Dionga, "However long it takes to get to the mountains."
With a sigh of relief, Majere unbuttoned his tunic and let his belly hang out. =P
"Why would a female be going to the mountains at this time of night?" NiksaVel cocked a suspicious eyebrow.
"You must learn to let them go... someday, Nikky ol' boy," Raptor said in a paternal tone, "You cannot shelter them all their lives..."
"Oh no, Raptor, sir," Harrison paused in mid-bite, "I do not think that is the case. You see, if Schnapps didn't go to the mountains, Mohammed would have to come here."
The group fell silent.

Majere, breaking the silence, turned to the small figure beside him, "Smee, did I ever tell you how I got mee peg leg?"
"Er, but you don't have a peg leg, sir..." said Harrison, slowly thinking, carefully wiping his little fingers on his bib.
"It was a dark and stormy night..."
Suddenly a blood-curdling scream ripped through the heavily scented air from the direction of the courtyard. In a breath Harrison dove into a mound of pillows.
"Schnapps!" all chorused in unison, leaping to their feet.
At the same moment Sargeant Shadow dashed across the floor, "Schnapps has been kidnapped! Schnapps has been kidnapped!"

posted August 11, 1999 03:06 AM               

"Schnapps had been kidnapped! Schnapps had been kidnapped!" Sergeant Shadow bellowed across the hushed bar. The three swooned officers gazed out the door to see an airspeeder accelerate off into the dark of the night. The tiny red lights on the rear of the hovering craft grew smaller and smaller as it soared away from the bar at a frightening speed.

Dashing out the door the three panicked officers groped around in confusion. "What do we do, what do we do, what do we do," the alarmed Harrison stuttered.

"Ya know... this reminds me of the time my flarfegneugan was stolen from right under my nose" Majere started. "In was a dark and stormy night back in ott `82, when..."

"NOT NOW!!!" The other three interrupted him.

"We've got to go after her!" the smitten Shadow demanded, "But how can we follow the airspeeder?"

The hysteric Sergeant's question was answered as a long white airspeeder pulled up along side them. It was much, much longer than a standard airspeeder, the white paint glistened in the moonlight and a silver logo that read "Eldorado" gleemed on the hood. As the tinted window lowered revealing a luxurious red leather interior, a wave of obnoxious music blared out of the airspeeder, "Just the two of us-you and I," the loud bass encumbered music sang. A puff of white cigar smoke swiftly dispersed out the open window revealing the driver.

"BLACKHAWK!?!?" the officers shouted in a confused manner."

"Get in yo," BlackHawk said as his airspeeder sped down the road after the kidnappers.

Man�what the hell kind of crap music is this?" Harrison rudely inquired as he reached for the nob of the radio. "Now this is more like it," Harrison smiled as he tuned the radio to 105.5 FM, the smoothly homoerotic sounds of Kenny-G.

"Foo, donchu eva' touch a black man's radio!" BlackHawk shouted as he violently smacked Harrison's hand.

"Umm, BlackHawk� you're not black, infact� you're not a man," Majere informed his feathered friend.

"Well, ma feathers are black� but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing," BlackHawk arrogantly corrected as he swurved his Eldorado to dodge a small slow moving landspeeder. "Damn old people!" the Vice Admiral cursed as he sped down the road.

"Look, there it is!" Shadow pointed as he saw their prey's airspeeder about a quarter of a mile down the road. "Can't this thing go any faster BH!?!?"

BlackHawk's beak met in a wire smirk as he popped the clutch and threw the airspeeder into 5th gear. The sudden increase in speed sent the unseatbelted Majere slamming into the side window with an oof. Note from the author:: Remember kiddies, seatbelts SAVE LIVES! If this was a real victim, with real brain cells� he could have been hurt-luckily it was Majere!

As the enemy airspeeder drew within reach a bright red and blue light shined on BlackHawk's rear view mirror. He swore loudly as a shrill siren confirmed his worst fear: it was da man! "Don't stop BH, we're too close to stop!" Majere pleaded as thoughts of Schnapps raced through his mind. A loud exploding sound left BlackHawk no choice� the police were firing at his Eldorado!

His fly ride veered sharply to left as its tire-err I mean repulsor lift-was blown out by another sharp blast from the police airspeeder. The crippled airspeeder slowed to the side of the road as it's engines failed. "Son of a Mon Motha! You are sooooo paying for my car Majere," BlackHawk frustratedly shouted. However, before Majere could answer, the three police had already emptied out of their squad airspeeder and were now along side BlackHawk's Eldorado. With a mighty smash, the first police officer shattered the driver-side window with his billy-club. "Sweet merciful crap, my caaaaaaaar!" BlackHawk yelled as the other two police pulled him out of the now broken window. The other Vast Empire officers watched in horror (well, mostly amusment, but some horror) as the three cops proceeded to pummel BlackHawk with their night sticks. BlackHawk sympatheticly looked up at the car and hollered, "I HOPE SOMEBODY'S FILMIN' THIS!"

"We can't let them do this to him," Harrison pleaded.

"Yes we can," Majere smiled as he watched on and munched on some popcorn.

"No, I don't care about him, but those slime-balls are getting away with Schnapps!" Harrison snapped back. With that realization the three officers got out of the Eldorado and started walking boldly towards the cops.

Hey, umm�what's the you got on your shoe?" Majere asked the first blue clad officer of the law. The police officer drew a confused look on his face and looked down. However, it was not dirt on his shoe he saw, but rather Majere's fist incoming�fast. Blood erupted from the cop's nose as Majere's powerful uppercut sent him sprawling onto the ground unconscious. With that, the other two officers of the Imperial Army charged the police.

"Xena� Warrior Princess," Harrison answered while smiling and slowly nodding his joy.

While the two shared a hearty chuckle over Xena, Shadow charged the third police man at full speed and with the fury of a pitbull sunk his teeth into the cop's groin. The police man shrieaked in pain, grabbed his wound, and keeled over unconscious as the pain overwhelmed his senses. Majere and Harrison recoiled in horror as Shadow flashed them a blood covered smile.

With that, they helped BlackHawk up off the ground, piled into the police airspeeder, and raced down the road after Schnapps.

posted August 11, 1999 03:30 PM              

Viper

------------------
Marshall Ramses Viper
Prefect of the VE-A
frmr. NI Senator
Other various credentials
to make this longer

posted August 12, 1999 05:21 PM               

"I'm going to vomit..." Viper groaned, hugging his stomach.
"In the middle of the bar room floor?" questioned Threeof4, repulsed by the thought, "Have you no pride, no dignity, Viper? He who loseth honor; loseth everything!"
"I.. I need a cup of Hava...," murmured Viper as he probed for any contents in his empty pockets, "Strong black Hava." Frustrated, he remembered that pay day was still several days away. "Er, Threeof4..."
Threeof4 stood at the bar entranced, staring into the bubbling liquid he had just ordered. Viper laid his hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Three... confidentially, I left my money on the dresser this morning. I say... you wouldn't mind letting me have five credits, would you?..."
"A fool and his money are soon parted." Threeof4 replied, politely removing the hand with cold distain.
"Yes, but just think of all the memories they lay up!" Viper fished a frayed toothpick from one very empty pocket and placed it in his mouth then continued, "Okay, how about two credits.. just for a cup of Hava?"
"He who lendeth money; endeth friendship!" recited Threeof4, untouched, signaling for the Mon Calamari being, who tended the bar.
"Well, that's alright, we don't need to consider ourselves friends... how about one credit? I can buy a half-cup... or maybe you'd consider joining me?" The toothpick bobbed as Viper argued his point.
"I never touch the stuff," remarked Threeof4 in an ethical tone.
"Never touch Hava?" Viper said in disbelief, taking the toothpick from his mouth and jabbing it at Three to make his point. "Well, ...one is never too old to learn!
"You can't teach an old Tauntaun new tricks." snapped Three, using his napkin to meticulously clean the specks of saliva from his black tunic left by Viper's toothpick. He gave a few extra buffs to the gold braid upon both sleeves, carefully adjusted the collar of his uniform, then admired the effect in the expanse of mirror which stretched behind the bar.
The reflection in the mirror resembled Schnapps. Her lovely petite form... all 6 foot 6 of it... Her neatly pressed uniform. Three's keen eyes focused on the mirror more closely.
Viper thought for a moment, "Every Tauntaun is entitled to one bite! And why am I talking to the back of your neck?..."
"Let sleeping Tauntauns lie," growled Threeof4 with finality, then in a cool tone, "And... I was just wondering why Schnapps is leaving so early. As I remember, she never leaves a party `till she's carried out."
"He that sleepeth with Tauntauns, riseth with fleas!" Viper said loudly, his hand raised to add emphasis, "The Rig Weda ... book 4, chapter 10, verse 2!... there, top that!... Schnapps??... where?"
Viper turned to see the fast rising star of the Vast Empire. Through the undulating Twi'leki dancers, his eyes managed a final glimpse of the familiar officer.
"Holy Bantha Barf! Three..!"

One head-tail tentacle of a Twi'leki hoodlum encircled Schnapps' waist while another head-tail attempted to clamp her mouth. "Grab her legs! NO! Her legs..!"
Schnapps, one of the most highly trained combat officers of the Vast Empire, was no one to triffled with. With every ounce of her superior female strength, gained through years of hand to hand training, she knew every move instinctively --- Schnapps opened her mouth and let out a blood-curdling scream.
"Get ya bloody meat-'ooks off mee, ya bloody blokes!" Schnapps shrieked in a heavy cockney accent, then promptly fainted from fear.


Cabbel tripped over a metal can as he dragged out of the glittering Fritz Hotel. Clutching the brown bottle of Gammorean Grog closer to his heart, he irritatedly gave the can a good kick.
"When I wush in da dwepths of deshpair," Cabbel muttered incoherently, taking a large swig of the Grog, "whooo befwiended me? Wush it the Wast Empire & Company? Noooooo! Wush it the Wast Empire Army ta whom I yield 5 pershent of my pay ...ta give 'em warm coats in wintuur, and noo coats in shummer? Nooo..." Cabbel paused, patting the bottle; "It wush only you my wittle fwiend..."
After several passes, he entered the proper four digit encryptogram to unlock the door of the airspeeder, then collapsed into the worn seat. He lovingly patted the steering mechanism of his old machine. Yup, a little beatup, but she was all engine. He began maneuvering the speeder slowly through the lot. "Whuz 'zat?" Ahead he saw four Twi'lekis dumping two unconcious female officers into three green airspeeders.
"Whutta party dat mush hav been.. hey, watsh it!" muttered Cabbel. Suddenly, the green speeders cut in front of Cabbel. Leaving thick irridescent vapor-tracers in their wake, the green speeders rocketed ahead, yellow and orange xenan gas tail-lights flickering. Cabbel stuck his head out and began screaming long sentences and epitaphs whose meanings are known only to the secret society of Cabbie-Speeder drivers.
"Ya piessh a' Donga Doo! Ya rearhind'er of ah..."

"Cabbel!"
"Wha-a?" Cabbel had only to tap the brakes of the slowly moving speeder.
Threeof4 and Viper, both heaving for breath, began shoving their way into the dilapidated speeder.
"Sowry boysh... I'm alll filled up... (hic)!"
"Follow that green airspeeder!" wheezed Three, "They've abducted Schnapps!"
"Shwaapps!" cursed Cabbel. Even in Cabbel's befuddled cabbie-brain, the message was clear. Someone was taking Shwaapps on a one-way fare against her will! Suddenly, the swirling images of the three green speeders before him melded into one as he focused his inebriated brain. With a reflexive punch on the fare meter and a pop of the clutch, the part-time cabbie pinned his customers to the torn seats. The screeching repulsor lifts jolted along as Cabbel's battered airspeeder weaved past the looming inner-space scrapers with the expertise only a cabbie who had driven five years in TiaHuana (in his Academy days) could have. The old brown speeder steadily closed the gap on the flickering yellow and orange beams.
"Cabbel, waaaatch it!" yelled Three, grabbing the controls and yanking to miss a 'Friends Won't Let Friends Drive Drunk' data-bill board.
"Faster! Faster!" screamed Viper above the roar of the airspeeder engines.
The tail-beams of the green speeder could be seen ahead, but behind them doggedly persisted the high-beams of some more powerful speeder.
"Wh-Who's following us???" Viper asked, his knuckles colorless from his grip on the seat in front of him.
"It's... er... ah..." Threeof4 squinted, his nose becoming grotesquely contorted as he did so, "Its agh... white... er... white..."
"It's a white El Dorado!" Viper finished.

by MG Spartacus & BG Christiana

[This message has been edited by Spartacus (edited 08-12-99).]

posted August 12, 1999 09:59 PM               

Jackal enters...

------------------
Commander Jackal
Morale Officer for the VEN.
OS:XO- Official Sidekick of the Navy's Executive Officer.
MoP:MO-FM/CM Jackal/Steel 2-2/Wing II/ISD-II Devastator/1ESF/VEN/NI[SRC(3 members)](SV)ICQ:21585728

posted August 13, 1999 06:52 PM               

------------------
Major General Rarc 'Flask' Spartacus
-
Director of Intelligence
Elite Trooper 3 in the VESF
DIR/ET-3/FW/MG Rarc 'Flask' Spartacus/HC-7/Erewhon 2

-= To Serve The Emperor =-