posted April 08, 1999 06:31 PM
Well, I dreamed this up at about 4am last night (errr, this morning). I hope you like it, but even if you don't, tell me what you think.Jerry Springer - �My Father Is A Sith Lord!�
Audience cheers. Jerry walks into shot and quietens everyone down.
JERRY: Well hello everyone and welcome to the show.
Audience cheers.
JERRY: Today we�re going to try to sort out some family problems. Please welcome to the show Han. Come on in Han.
Han Solo walks in, and the audience cheers.
JERRY: So what�s the problem, Han?
HAN: Well, Jerry, it�s like this. I�ve been married for 15 years now, and I can�t take my sonofabitch brother-in-law any longer.
Audience boos. Front rows laugh and cheer.
JERRY: Those are harsh words. Would you like to give us some details?
HAN: Basically, he�s been interfering from day one. He tries to tell me how to bring up our kids, he drags Leia off on crazy crusades all the time endangering her and keeping her away from me, and I�ve had enough.
Audience cheers at Han�s resolution.
JERRY: Well, let�s bring on your wife and see what she has to say. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the show Princess Leia.
HAN: Here we go again with the �princess� thing.
Leia comes on and hits Han. Steve jumps up and pulls them apart.
STEVE: Okay, let�s just calm down . . .
He guides her to her seat.
HAN: See what I have to put up with?
As soon as Steve�s back is turned, Leia jumps up and starts igniting her lightsabre. Steve spins around, but not fast enough. Han makes a jump for Leia, wrestles the sabre away, and throws her back into the seat. The sabre rolls unnoticed to the audience.
The audience boos. A woman at the back yells �Go get him girl!�. Jerry approaches Han in anger.
JERRY: That is simply NOT acceptable; not on my show, not anywhere.
HAN: Come the *beep* on, she was trying to kill me!
JERRY: I don�t care what she was gonna do! You don�t ever hit a woman, no matter what the provocation, do you hear?
Leia starts crying.
HAN: Jerry, you have no idea what it�s like living with her.
JERRY: I don�t care! Next time you touch her, I�m setting Steve loose, you hear?
Audience cheers and laughs. Front two rows start singing �Steve Steve Steve.�
JERRY: Now let�s talk about this.
HAN: It�s like her brother is so much more important than me, and every time I try to discuss it with her, out comes the lightsabre, and then end of conversation.
JERRY: Well let�s ask Leia about this. Is that true, Leia? Does your brother have more say than your husband?
LEIA: (crying) It�s not like that at all, Jerry.
HAN: The hell it is.
JERRY: I�ve warned you once before. Go on, Leia.
LEIA: Luke is so understanding, he helps with my training and the children�s. Han is just an insensitive, no good, scruffy looking, nerf herding, excuse for a reformed smuggler. He doesn�t get it.
JERRY: When you put it like that, neither do I! Let�s bring your brother on, and maybe he can explain this �training�. Come on in, Luke.
Luke walks in, dressed in full Jedi garb. The audience hushes. Jerry backs off to halfway up the audience.
LUKE: Han�s problem is that he does not understand the ways of the Force. He is an ignorant upstart. He is no good. I said that from the beginning.
HAN: Oh yeah Luke, well tell them about the time you kissed her, yeah? It seems YOU�RE the only one good enough for her!
Audience makes yuk noises.
JERRY: Is that true, Luke? Did you kiss your own sister?!?!?
LUKE: Damn right, Jerry! And I�m proud of it!
Han gets out of his chair, but Luke strokes his lightsabre and Han sits down.
JERRY: Well, this is beginning to get interesting. Join us after the break, and meet more of the Skywalker extended family!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JERRY: Well, today we�re talking to Han, who says that his wife�s brother interferes, and actually kissed his own sister! Let�s go to the Audience.
A redneck audience member stands up. He has a beard, is wearing a lumberjack outfit, and is very very fat.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You should just clear off, Han! She obviously doesn�t want anything to do with you, you lousy Imperial scum!
HAN: And what would you know about it, you fat sonofabitch? You couldn�t even fit into a cockpit!
LUKE: At least he never flew for the Empire then betrayed his oath. At least he isn�t a �reformed� smuggler. At least he isn�t as scruffy as you!
The audience cheers madly!
JERRY: Before we go on, there�s someone here I�d like you to meet. Luke, you haven�t seen this person in years, in fact you thought he was dead. Please welcome to the show Lord Darth Vader!
Audience cheers madly, especially when they see who it is. Han jumps up and pulls out his blaster. The shots he fires are absorbed by Vader�s hand, and then Vader sucks the blaster in. The audience becomes silent. Han falls back into his seat, and Leia grabs him for protection.
LUKE: No . . .
HAN: Who brought this sonofabitch here?
LEIA: There�s something you should know about Luke and I . . . Vader is our father . . .
HAN: What . . .? Why didn�t you tell me . . .
VADER: NO, HAN, THERE IS SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU. NO-ONE EVER TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER . . .
HAN: My mother did, she told me he was an alcoholic!
VADER: NO HAN, I AM YOUR FATHER.
HAN, LUKE AND LEIA: No! That�s impossible!
VADER: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU FANCY SUCH A DRUGGED UP WASTER AS LEIA IF SHE WEREN�T YOUR SISTER?
HAN: Well, I guess that does make some kind of sense . . .
LUKE: I�ve had enough . . .
HAN: But then why don�t I have the Force?
VADER: QUITE FRANKLY YOU WERE ALWAYS A DISSAPOINTMENT TO US. YOU�RE THE REASON I LEFT YOUR MOTHER.
LUKE: I can�t hold on any more . . .
VADER: YOU COULDN�T EVEN ESCAPE FROM CLOUD CITY, YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER GOT AWAY FINE, BUT FIRST CHANCE I GOT, YOU WERE CAPTURED.
LUKE: I�ve had enough . . .
Luke jumps out of his chair and ignites his lightsabre. Vader does the same, and they duel. Han and Leia dive out of the way. The bouncers rush on stage, but don�t know what to do and just stand there staring. Vader takes a step back and starts using the Force to throw chairs at Luke. Luke backs off. The chairs ricochet at the bouncers, and everyone but Steve runs off. One of the chairs hits Jerry.
JERRY: Enough! I�ve put up with a lot from you, but now you have gone too far! This is MY SHOW, and on my show you DO NOT hit me, do you understand????
Vader and look stand and stare.
JERRY: I said do you understand???
LUKE: Yes sir, I�m sorry.
Luke sits down.
JERRY: Lord Vader? Well?
VADER: The ability to host a daytime talk show is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
He lifts up his hand in the �choke� position, and Jerry grabs his throat. Soon, he falls to his knees. The nearby audience members start to back off and scream.
Suddenly Steve runs forward and grabs Leia�s fallen lightsabre.
STEVE: Get your hands of Jerry!
VADER: GO AWAY. YOU ARE A NOTHING.
STEVE: I am placing you under arrest. Attempted murder by Force choke is a crime in the city of Chicago!
Vader releases Jerry, who falls to the ground and is grabbed by the nearest audience members. Vader turns to face Steve, and begins to do a Force choke. At the first sign, Steve ignites Leia�s lightsabre and flings it at Vader. It strikes him on the neck, beheading him.
Springer�s Final Thought
You know, I�m often asked if I�ve ever seen anything that crosses the line, that passes the boundary of acceptable behaviour. Usually I say no, that if we are not free to behave as we wish, so long as we do not hurt others, then we are not truly Americans, that what use is freedom if we are only free to behave as others want us to? But today, I have seen behaviour that crosses that boundary. I myself do not have the Force, yet I can still say for sure that it completely unacceptable to engage in Force battles in public, to attack my bouncers, and most importantly, it is unacceptable to shirk your duties as a father, under the guise of conquering the galaxy. Remember, if you should have the Force, you will be most judged not just on how you use it on your friends, but how you use it on your enemies.
Till next time, take care of yourself - and each other.
The audience cheers madly. Jerry walks along, shaking hands of the surviving guests and the audience front row.
Once he has passed, the Vader head explodes. The face it reveals is Steve�s.
Luke stares at it in horror.
LUKE: If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny . . .
Steve�s eye glints . . .
------------------
May The Dark Side Be With You, Always
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posted April 08, 1999 06:31 PM
