posted May 04, 2001 01:09 PM               

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE.........
10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.

9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."

8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedos and always lead to the "main reactor."

7. TIE Fighters have no shields.

6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.

5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.

4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.

3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.

2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.

1. Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!

posted May 04, 2001 02:04 PM               

TOP TEN REASONS THE EMPIRE SHOULD HAVE WON, AND WHAT THE WRITTERS DID TO MAKE SURE THEY LOST ANYWAY
10) The deathstar was designed to repel a massive large scale assault, however there just happened to be a single exhaust port that led to the main reactor, and a torpedo just happened to be capable of making the right angle turn necessary of going down it.

9) The Empire had a fleet of 25,000 stardestroyers, however, all but about 100 to 200 of them mysteriously vanished between the death of the emperor and the cease fire.

8) The Empire had a hideous army of elite shock troopers, but they just happened to forget to teach them how to shoot straight.

7) Death Star II was built taking into account all the mistakes of DSI, but it still had a direct rout to the main reactor. Not only that but now it was big enough to let ships go through.

6) The Emperor came up with a brilliant plan to force the rebels into a trap, but not only did he not wait until the previously stated problem got fixed, but he decided to go and watch.

5) Grand Admiral Thrawn acted sternly but fairly with every man under his command, earning their loyalty, but he just happened to horribly miss-treat the one force that could assassinate him.

4) Grand Admiral Thrawn successfully drew the NR fleet into a major ambush, but after he died the man that suceeded him just happened to be a coward.

3) The Empire outgunned anyone they met, but one of their former slave races just happened to have a fleet of LUXURY LINERS that could be modified into excellent warships (like turning the queen mary into the battlecruiser Hood).

2) The Empire had an enormous industrial base, but somehow it was the rebellion that could afford to put shields and hyperdrives on its frontline fighters.

1) They had a military genius like Thrawn, and they didn't use him!

------------------
Jociam Geist
Lt Colonel (ret) Intruder Wing

"I did it. Do you think I've gone to far?" -Dave Mathews Band

"A warrior leaves broken bodies in his wake because he knows the dead can never harm him." -Vlad Ward

posted May 04, 2001 03:08 PM               

TOP TEN POSSIBLE NAMES FOR A THIRD DARK EMPIRE SERIES:

10. Here's Hopin'

9. Dark Empire: Strike Three

8. Dark Empire 3: The Search for Spock

7. Dark Empire Forever

6. I don't give a $#@& if I'm drunk! I think it's a good idea!

5. Hell Froze Over

4. 1,000,000 Monkeys at 1,000,000 Typewriters

3. The White Album

2. Truth or Dare

1. Last Chance Before We Bolt

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TOP TEN SW TOYS NOT LIKELY TO BE MADE
10. Darth Vader with removable helmet

9. Luke with removable hand.

8. Functional Lightsaber- not recommended fr children under 8 years of age.

7. Emperor w/removable cloak(does he wear anything under it?).

6. Death star in the same scale as the figures (maybe too unwieldy and expensive?).

5. Dak who has miraculously survived, with AT-AT footprint.

4. Endor Han Solo if Luke had not gone with them.

3. World Devastator Vacuum Cleaner(household item, rather).

2. Functional speederbike.

1. Functional C-3PO (Funny for maybe three minutes, comes with blaster to shut him up in case you go mad).

posted May 04, 2001 03:16 PM               

THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A DARK JEDI
10. Impress the chicks with the size of your light saber.

9. Fry the hell out of your neighbor's cat with electricity blasts.

8. Get your own Super-Class Star Destroyer on your Silver anniversery.

7. Get to say cool lines like "You feel LUCKY punk?" and mean it.

6. Blow up puny planets like Alderaan.

5. Always get to make a impressive entrance.

4. Be one of the few who can out quick-draw Han Solo.

3. If your son gets testy, you can just cut off his hand.

2. Don't need to take crap from little three feet tall green midgets who sound like Grover from Sesame Street. And the numero uno reason to be a Dark Jedi is...

1. If you don't like your boss, you can toss his *** off a tower.